I woke up at 2 am this morning, actually I was still dreaming when my chin started to physically quiver before I could even get my eyes open. If you have ever lost someone very close to you then I would say you will be able to relate to this blog, but I don’t know maybe its different for everyone.
I lost my mother in 2005. What I’ve learned from that experience is that it is true, it does get easier, it does hurt less, actually every year less and less it hurts, and the truth is you do start to forget a little. Maybe the memories start to fade from smashing them down so deep to avoid always feeling sad and crying about it again and again. I don’t know, with time it just hurts less, but sometimes you are reminded of the pain. Dreams can do this. I have found that my sub conscience will, what feels like, basically force me to revisit the pain. I have also lost a best friend, so I’ve actually become accustomed to my brain pushing out the feelings that I guess I have stored way in the back somewhere. And again, for those of you who have lost someone close, maybe you can relate to that feeling in your chest, it hurts terribly, it feels like something is physically squeezing on what feels like your actual heart, with two hands and so much strength that its hard to breathe. I had forgotten what that felt like. Its honestly like my brain just decides that its time again to remember that feeling and waits until I’m asleep so I have no control. I was quite all day yesterday, I couldn’t put my finger on why or what was causing my silence all day, I thought I was just having a blah day, I wasn’t upset, but I wasn’t excited about anything either. After waking up to the dream I had about my mother this morning I think I know now it was just time to remember again. It always passes rather quickly now, I use to cry for an hour or so when it would happen; my dreams will bring that person back to life and it feels so real like not a day has gone by since they passed, like tearing open an old wound. This time my mother wasn’t just there in my dream though. In my dream she came back, but not from the dead, she had never died. In my dream she had faked her death to escape from being a mother. In my dream she wasn’t very apologetic, she simply told us that she couldn’t do it. The dream was very strange and it hurt, it hurt enough to wake me up and to physically cry. It has been so long since that raw emotion had surfaced in me. I don’t believe the dream of course, my mother was great and loved us very much, but the dream was enough to force me to remember how much I miss her. Sure I have cried, I’ve been sad over things over the past few years, but there is nothing comparable to the feeling of losing a person you are close to to death. I think I forgot how it felt to cry that particular cry. My life has been one amazing thing after another the past 4 years, I’ve had ups and downs with work, and friendships, but no life or death situations like I had experienced when losing my mother or best friend. It’s a feeling that only someone who has gone through it can relate to, and I know many who have lost. It’s a feeling that for good reason we push aside, its a physical hurt caused by raw emotion. I’ve always said that I can not imagine the hurt that must come from losing a child or the love of your life, just from knowing the pain that comes from the losses I have experienced. Though the hurt now comes and goes and much less often, it’s never completely gone. This morning when I woke up crying, with that tight grip in my chest, and the tears that poured and snot that guzzled out of my nose, those were just reminders that it was time remember again, but just for a moment. Its been over a decade now that my mother has been gone, I will be married next year and it still seems crazy that she won’t be there. But I can rest assure that she didn’t leave me on purpose, or because she couldn’t handle it, it was just life. Life is one breath taking moment after another, some are the deep inhales of a good take-it-all-in kind of breath and some are the suffocatingly bad holy-shit-this-can’t-be-happening kind of gasps for air. We should try not to forget any of these defining moments, they mean something, they will play as reminders later on if we let them. Maybe the reason for the dream was to remember to stop sweating the small stuff, to appreciate the amazing people and things I am surrounded by and that I get to enjoy in my life. Whatever the reason, even though the pain came back like it had all happened yesterday, it subsided quickly and I am thankful I’m not in the thick of a loss right now. We will all take things for granted, its hard not to, but we should try…tell someone you love them today and take a deep breath no matter what you are going through today.
With Love and Tired Eyes,
*This is my mother and I when I was 5 years old.