Less Sensitive, More Hilarious

If you are just tuning in, here are some hilarious stories from the streets.  Now remember I’m not making fun of all of the people I encounter on the street, I’m simply sharing my stories.  They made me giggle at the time and I have helped my fair share over the past 11 years too.

#1.  Just a couple of weeks ago, it was early morning and as Molly and I crossed the street to head back home in the distance I see a man in a purple shirt and jeans doing was resembled twerking.  I think to myself this is great, I should get a picture.  As I get closer the older gentleman is delighted to see me.  He then starts his calisthenics again.  He asks me as I approach, “guess how many I have done?!”  I smile and reply, “35!”  He says, “Watch I’m gonna do 80 more!”  I say, “Get it buddy!  I’m proud of you!” and continue on my way.  At least he got his morning exercise in.  I didn’t get that picture, this is NOT him, he wasn’t quite this flexible.Beijing-local-man-doing-stretching-exercises-in-Temple-of-Heaven-park-China

 

 

 

#2  This was about two years ago, I did Facebook about it, some of you may have heard this one.  It was a cold winter morning this time.  Molly and I were rounding the corner closer to our parking lot and a guy wearing a blue toboggan perfectly perched on top of his head steps out of a doorway.  As we get closer to him he says to me, “that ankle biter isn’t going to bite me is she?”.  I politely say, “No she is not an ankle biter”.  He then proceeds to walk alongside of us.  He’s quite inquisitive and wants to know if I am married and if I would like to share in his “orange cush” that he is on his way to go toke on.  He reminded me of this combo…asfas8bdfec585fcc7cec7bccf1b6293dbdf0  “Thanks for the kind offer of drugs at 7 am, but I have to get ready to go to work now sir.”

 

 

#3  One cool spring morning as I headed into my parking lot a woman stopped me.  She reminded me very much of the homeless pigeon lady in Home Alone 2, only instead of home-alone-32-1440506368 pigeons she was carrying a Home Depot bucket.  She stopped me to ask for directions to the shelter that is near by, she said she didn’t have her glasses to see. I gave her the directions, she was very close to her destination.  After we were clear on how she was to get there, she asked, “Can I sing you a song?”.  How could I say no?  She proceeded to sing into her home depot bucket for acoustics I assume.  Her song was, well for lack of better words, confusing.  I couldn’t exactly make out what the song was about, but I think racism and god were involved.  At least I can say I’ve heard worse living in music city and working in music venues over the years.

#4  This week it is hot!  Sometimes you just have to chill out and cool off.  Now I only witnessed these from my window and as I type there is a man sleeping across the street this morning too.  These photos were taken earlier this week.  I’ve taken people bottled water over the years, but on this day, they had water and some sweet little white girls came to the rescue.  Shortly after on both instances the police showed up to make sure these guys were ok.

#5  And finally, that amazing story from quite a few years ago that I let Maurice take a shower.  It was one of those nights in my twenties that after the bars closed at 3am about 8 of us came back to my place to keep the party going, regretfully so I’m sure the next day.  I was dog sitting a huge great dane for a friend and she needed to go for a walk.  So I leave everyone drinking, playing games, and listening to music in my place to walk this giant on the streets.  I never said any of this was a good idea, but I guess my liquid courage and this huge dog made me think I was safe to stroll the street for a bit.  In returning back to my alley to head back upstairs I encountered a man.  An older gentleman, he stopped me and we struck up conversation.  I asked him why he lived on the street and I got his whole story.  Feeling very privileged after his story and after a prayer that Maurice led us in, now at 4am, he gave me a hug.  He smelled like he hadn’t taken a shower in months.  Then, among all of the bright ideas I was clearly coming up with that night, I invited Maurice to  come upstairs and take a shower.  He jumped at the opportunity.  So here I come back in after my drunk, but worried friends had been wondering where the hell I had been for an hour, in tow, I have this giant dog and now Maurice too.  I introduce him, “Hey guys, this is Maurice and he is gonna take a shower”.  After my friends picked their jaws up off the floor, I showed Maurice the shower and gave him a towel.  He took a long, very long shower, got a good shave in…all over my bathroom sink and literally came out of the bathroom holding the towel over his manhood.  My loud friend exclaims, “Maurice go put some damn clothes on!”  We have a good laugh, he asks for a beer, he gets dressed and I escorted him back out on to the street.  I woke up the next morning knowing that I wouldn’t be sharing that story with my roommate at the time for awhile.  HA!  A week or so later I ran into Maurice at a bar, before he recognized me he asked me for money, I said, “Maurice we prayed about this!”, I’m not religious for the record.  Maurice then offered to buy me a drink.  LOL!  After that I never saw him again.

Over the years I have witnessed quite a bit.  My conclusion about the homeless is that they are pretty harmless and we should fear drunk college guys far before we fear anyone who calls the street home.  I’ve given many people water when it’s hot, called the police when I find them passed out in my alley, and blankets when its cold.  However, I never buy those papers they sell on the corner because I don’t agree with that program.  I donate often to the Mission and if you would ever like to donate or get involved here is the link;  https://nashvillerescuemission.org.   There is another place right here too; http://www.roomintheinn.org, they have programs that emphasize human development and recovery through education, self help and work.

With Compassion and finding humor where I can,

Lindsey

 

 

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